The schlong, and the not-so-short of it.

Scientists have discovered a shocking development that may make locker rooms squeal but laboratories squirm: the average size of erect penis has increased globally by 24% in the last few decades. Researchers caution against reaching for the tape measure before you do. This growth spurt may not be good news.

A comprehensive study published by the World Journal of Men’s HealthIn just 30 years, the average erect height has risen from 12.2cm to 15.2cm. This isn’t a minor inflation due to bragging rights—researchers examined 75 studies involving more than 55,000 penises, a data set hard to beat (pun fully intended).

Dr. Michael Eisenberg is a Stanford University urologist and the lead author of this study. He expressed concern rather than high fives. He said that something this rapid does not happen very often in human biology. Clearly, he hasn’t spent much time online. “We should ask what’s causing it.”

Evolution or environmental chaos: Which is it?

Theories about this anatomical anomaly include environmental disruptors such as micro-plastics or hormone-altering chemicals, to changes in diet and lifestyle, to earlier exposure to sexual material. Your browser history is not peer-reviewed.

Eisenberg continued his parade of innuendos by saying, “There is growing concern that factors that might be responsible for these changes could also be related to a wider decline in reproductive health.”

Indeed, other studies have reported declining sperm counts and lower testosterone levels globally—a trend that has fertility experts more worried than amused.

Is bigger always better?

As predicted, the internet has responded in predictable joy. Social media erupted with celebratory memes, measuring tape emojis, and debates over whether this is good news for dating profiles—or just more awkward fitting-room experiences.

Experts still urge caution before anyone adds centimetres on their own stats. A health researcher said, “Let’s avoid confusing biological change with improvements in biology.”

What next?

Researchers call for further research to determine if this phenomenon is caused by lifestyle, pollutants or increased rates of metabolic disorders and obesity. It could also be due to an earlier puberty linked to environmental factors. Scientists will continue to dig (or measure) and we will pretend that size does not matter. If it did ever, science says, we have all grown.